


On the Unforeseen Difficulties of Finding Frozen Treats in Magical Norway

by Advocaat



Category: Frozen (2013), Guardians of Childhood & Related Fandoms, Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Please Don't Take This Seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-15 00:36:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9211955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Advocaat/pseuds/Advocaat
Summary: Elsa threw her head back and barked out a short laugh. She leveled a smirk at the white haired male in front of her. "I fear no monsters of the snow. My quest is worth any amount of danger."The tale of a dilemma, a quest, and excessive amounts of product placement.





	

**(A Frosty Farcetale)**

Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Arendelle…

Elsa, QUEEN OF THE NORNS, was pacing in her study. To offer my less imaginative readers a frame of reference for what this study looked like, we shall say that it was roughly the size of two six-tatami rooms put together and contained two large bookcases, a Sony blu-ray home theater system (with Bluetooth), a deck chair, and the obligatory volcano level from a putt-putt golf course. As for the reason for Elsa's restless promenade...I should think that would be quite obvious. She was facing a DILEMMA.

Sitting innocuously by the blu-ray home theater system were two boxes of Blue Bunny ice cream bars. One box contained Felix's Funky Fudge Flavor—made by hand in small batches and comprised of the highest quality certified organic and kosher superfood ingredients—and the other was strawberry. In fact, these two boxes of cold, creamy ice treats were the source of Elsa's dilemma. Faced with such a selection, how was she to choose which ice cream to enjoy for her 3 pm snack?

No, she thought, clenching her small fists at her sides. How could she possibly be expected to choose? _Of course_ there was no right answer. A laugh bubbled up in her throat. The solution was so clear. She didn't have to choose at all. Rather, she would simply find a different, even _better_ flavor. The idea was brilliant—genius, even. She strode over to her closet and yanked it open. From within, she tugged out her most fabulous purple cloak and swept it around her shoulders, blowing up a small flurry of magical icy flakes. It was time to go.

"Elsa?" her sister, Anna, called out as she marched determinedly out through the castle gates. "Where are you going?"

Elsa paused just long enough to turn dramatically and peg her sister with a confident, panty-dropping smolder. "Ice cream hunting."

Anna's face screwed into an expression of horror. She gasped. "No!" she cried, reaching for her sister. "It's too dangerous! Please don't go!"

Elsa pursed her lips gravely and shook her head. "I must. Don't try to stop me."

Anna threw a hand across her eyes and sunk to her knees. How could her sister act so foolishly? There must be a better way. _Surely_. Alas, she could not stop Elsa as she swept through the gate. She could only sob as her dear sister disappeared into the town. "Be safe, Elsa," she whispered, blowing her nose into a Puffs Ultra Soft  & Strong tissue (rated 87/100 by consumer reports).

Elsa did not look back as she marched through the town and toward her favorite snow peak. She would see her mission through to the end or, with God as her witness, she would die trying. Just as she began climbing the mountain, however, she was surprised when her path was barred by a handsome young stranger. His hair was white as frost and his eyes blue as a frozen lake. He would be the most attractive man she'd ever seen were it not for his profoundly off-putting brunette eyebrows which clashed horribly with everything else about his face.

"Why do you stand against me?" she called to him over the fierce, blizzardy winds which I didn't feel the need to mention before this point.

"I can't allow you to go any further," he answered, levelling a long, gnarled piece of wood at her. "Turn back now."

Elsa's eyebrows furrowed and she eyed him coolly. "I will not. I must go to the mountain and you shan't stop me."

"My good lady," the youth protested, "I beg your pardon, but I really cannot allow you to pass. A dangerous monster roams these peaks. I could not, in sound conscious, allow you to put yourself in its path."

Elsa threw her head back and barked out a short laugh. Looking back at the white haired male she leveled a smirk at him. "I fear no monsters of the snow. My quest is worth any amount of danger."

The boy faltered. He looked at her appraisingly for a long moment and then let his arms fall. "I see there will be no stopping you," he relented. "If you will not see reason, then I will simply have to join you on your quest."

Elsa shrugged. Whether or not he came with her was of no consequence to her. She supposed she could use the company. "What is your name, young guardian of the mountain?" she asked as they began to walk.

"I'm Jack," he answered. "Jack Frost."

Jack Frost. She tasted the name on her tongue. Sounded like a Gary Stu. "And from where do you hail, Jack Frost?"

"Canada, most recently."

There was silence for several minutes before Jack finally asked, "So…what are you seeking, exactly?"

Elsa's eyes narrowed seriously at the path in front of them. "Ice cream."

Jack just looked at her. There was a long moment in which he said nothing and then finally he shrugged. "Yeah, alright."

The two of them walked in silence for another half an hour before finally arriving at the mouth of a cave. "Is this where the monster lives?" Elsa asked her bestaved companion.

Jack shook his head. "No. This is—"

He was cut off by an inhuman shriek from deep within the cave. Elsa took a couple steps back and brought a delicate hand to her mouth. "What in the—"

The sound of wailing grew louder and louder. It sounded like the offender was moving at a rapid pace toward the entrance of the cave. Elsa was just wondering if it wouldn't be pertinent to cheese it the hell out of there when a white-robed blur shot out of the mouth of the cave and barreled right into her. Elsa and the shrieking mass of white rolled a few times and before finally coming to a stop at Jack's feet—which Elsa only now noticed were bare of any kind of covering. Weirdo.

Elsa groaned and lifted her upper body out of the snow. Atop her was a hysterically sobbing woman with long, black hair and a pure white robe. Her lips, oddly enough, were blue. "Um…" Elsa started, touching the woman's back awkwardly. "Are you okay?"

The woman drew back and all at once her tears and wailing stopped. She rose gracefully to her feet and covered her mouth with her sleeve demurely. She was actually quite tall, Elsa observed. "I apologize," the woman spoke in a voice like a snowplow trundling through a meadow but sexy. "I thought you were my boyfriend come to make up with me."

"Your boyfriend?" Elsa echoed as Jack pulled her to her feet.

The woman's eyes narrowed scathingly, though she was not looking at them. "Yes. That dirty—that…that rotten scoundrel of a man. I thought if I came to Norway he would realize that he can't live without me and come crawling back, but I see now that he is quite beyond redemption." Her gaze slid to Jack and suddenly her lips pulled into a beautiful smile and her eyelashes fluttered flirtily. "Oh, Jack," she greeted, striding over to gently lift his chin with a long, slender finger. "Have you come to comfort me?"

Jack simply quirked a brow and delicately pushed her hand to the side. "Oyuki, we've talked about this. You can't go around luring men to their deaths every time you get in a fight with your boyfriend."

The woman pouted. "Oh, you're such a wet blanket." She turned back to Elsa. "Say, you're young and beautiful. I'm sure there's a man or two you'd prefer to be rid of," she said hopefully.

Elsa brought a hand to her lips as her thoughts drifted back to the debacle following her coronation. "Well, actually…"

"No!" Jack butted in before she could say anything. "No, no—there will be no need for that." He frowned at Oyuki and looked her pointedly in the eye. "You _promised_ you'd stop."

Oyuki sighed in a put-upon manner and rolled her eyes. " _Fine_."

"If you're sad about your boyfriend breaking up with you, why don't you join us on our quest for ice cream?" Elsa suggested, her heart going out to the woman. "After all, my mother's last words to me were, 'men are pigs; eat your feelings.'" As an afterthought, she added, "On reflection, those are odd words to tell your troubled daughter right before a long sea voyage to a distant land."

Oyuki took a moment to consider her offer and then nodded. "Alright. I guess I could go with you." She bowed gracefully. "Pleased to meet you, by the way. I am Oyuki, Japan's number one vengeful snow spirit three hundred years running."

Elsa curtsies back. "Elsa, queen of Arendelle. A pleasure."

Now a party of three, the unlikely and oddly international crew of fairy tale ice folk continued up the mountain. They walked and chatted for another hour and were nearly at the top when they found their path barred by an oddly shaped wall of snow. Upon closer inspection, Elsa saw that the wall was actually three massive balls of snow stacked on top of one another. Atop the topmost and smallest of the three globes sat a worn-looking silk top hat. "What's this?" Elsa questioned, bringing a hand up to touch the hat.

All at once there was a rumble and the hat rose out of her reach. Elsa scurried back as the wall shook itself, sending white powder in all directions. It wasn't a wall at all. It was some kind of enormous snowy creature. Could this be the ice monster Jack had warned her about?

"Hey, hey, hey," the thing spoke in a deep, booming voice. "Mits off the hat."

The thing turned around and Elsa was faced with a corncob pipe, a button nose and two eyes made out of coal. It took all her willpower not to shriek as the snow that had piled up around the thing broke free and fell to the ground, revealing two large, tree trunk arms. She realized with a start that the creature was in fact some kind of monstrous snowman. The snowman bore down on her with its coal eyes. "Well, well…if it isn't a pretty little lady. How you doin', toots?"

Elsa brought a hand to her heart and willed it to calm. "You…you're a snowman."

The snowman lifted one of its tree trunk arms to tip its hat to her. "At your service, little lady. The name's Frosty. Frosty the Snowman." He looked around at their odd little group. "So, tell me. To what do I owe this visit? It isn't often I get visitors on my mountain."

"We come seeking the ultimate ice cream experience," Elsa answered. Then she realized what he'd said and her eyebrows furrowed. "Wait… _your_ mountain?"

"That's right," Frosty confirmed. "I moved in after… Well, let's just call it a little _incident_ with a traffic cop back home. I thought it prudent to...uh…get away for a little while until things cooled down a bit. Y'know?"

"I…I see," was all Elsa could say. She deemed it healthier not to argue with what was probably a two-ton block of snow monster about the finer legal points of alpine ownership.

"But hey, if you're looking for ice cream, I just so happen to know a place…" he trailed off meaningfully. "Though I'll warn you, it's guarded by a fearsome ice monster."

"Wait, you mean you're not the ice monster?" Elsa questioned dubiously.

Frosty threw his head back and let out a barking laugh that shook the very mountain. "Me?" he echoed after he recovered. "Nah, I'm no monster. I just lift." He raised one of his enormous arms and bent it as if flexing. Bending down to wink at her, he added, "But for you, tootsie-roll, I could be."

Elsa was surprised when a hand on her shoulder pulled her back from the snowman and Jack stepped between them. "How about you just take us to this ice cream place?" he suggested.

Frosty straightened and nodded his massive head. "Alright. If you're sure…"

The trio followed Frosty as he turned around and bounced further up the mountain. With each bounce the trees around them shook and the snow piled on their branches was dislodged. Jack took Elsa's hand to help her circumvent the falling snow and Elsa was grateful for his thoughtfulness. Even if it still weirded her out that his eyebrows didn't match his hair.

They had broken from the tree line and were preparing to crest the top of one of the lower peaks when a great roar echoed across the mountain. "Uh oh," Frosty said, coming to a stop. "Looks like it's noticed us."

"How far are we from the ice cream?" Oyuki questioned quickly.

Frosty made a show of considering this. "Mm…about half a kilometer?"

"Then let's run for it!" Jack called, already picking up the pace. Elsa, whose hand was still clasped in his, was dragged along behind him.

The group didn't need to be told twice. They cheesed it faster than a magpie caught in a tornado. To elaborate on this analogy, the magpie was previously owned by a little boy whose parents bought it for him for Christmas after their previous family pet died tragically in a tsunami. The magpie, tiring of its privileged middle class life in Wewoka, Oklahoma, escaped from its cage and was flying to Kansas to seek its fortune when it was caught up in the freak tornado. To put the analogy into perspective, it's important to know that the wind speed of a moderate tornado is 22-50 meters per second, so factoring in the wind resistance of a small bird we can…you know what? Never mind. They ran fast.

Alas, they could not run fast enough to escape the monster closing in on them like another bad analogy. They had almost made it to the spot where Frosty said the ice cream was when right in front of them, a massive beast appeared as if from thin air. Its blubbery body spanned the length of three carriages and its wicked, icy tusks gleamed in the low evening light. It roared horribly, causing the party's hair to be swept back from their faces.

"It's a war-rus!" Oyuki cried as the group backed hurriedly away from the beast. "A walrus but for war."

Beside her, Frosty lifted his tree trunks and an ice club appeared in them. "Don't you kids worry. If I can take out a 1994 Chevy Silverado, this thing is a non-issue!" he called out as he lunged for the monster.

The war-rus roared in rage as it was struck by the club. It fell back a few feet but recovered quickly, shaking the blow off.

"We need more!" Elsa cried, stepping forward. She flung out a hand and a blast of ice magic shot out of it and hit the war-rus straight in the chest. Again, the monster reeled but did not fall. Angrier than ever, it bowed its head low and charged at her, its tusks glinting. Elsa tried to move out of its path but she was too slow. Just as she was about to be mowed down, another blast of ice magic slammed into the beast, knocking it off course. Elsa yelped as it barreled past her and collided with the base of a rocky cliff. The impact cracked the cliff side and dislodged a chunk of rock which broke free and crashed down onto the monster's head, dazing it but failing to kill it. Elsa looked back and saw Jack standing in a wide stance with his staff out. He was breathing hard.

"Jack," she called in wonder. "You saved me."

Jack's face colored. He looked at his staff shyly and opened his mouth to say something but right at that moment the war-rus let out another roar and managed to pull itself to its feet. Elsa was just wondering how they were going to beat a monster that couldn't be killed even when a cliff fell on it when it suddenly groaned in pain and collapsed again. To everyone's amazement, before their eyes, the war-rus' skin lit up like a Christmas tree and the creature's body began to bubble and shift. Everyone watched in horrified fascination as the bulk of it melted away to reveal three much smaller, vaguely person-shaped figures. As they looked on, the figures began to groan and pick themselves up and Elsa saw that one looked somewhat like a dog—if dogs wore funny-looking hats and stood on two legs—one was clearly a duck, and the last one, the figure in the middle, was a teenager with the oddest looking hair she had ever seen.

"Whoa…where are we?" the teenager asked, still looking somewhat dazed. He caught sight of them and his eyes widened. He let out a cry of surprise and scooted away from them until his back collided with the cliff side. "Who are you people?"

Elsa regarded the strange boy oddly. "I am Elsa, queen of Arendelle," she answered. "And these are my friends, Jack, Oyuki, and Frosty." She gestured to each of them in turn. "And who, may I ask, are you?"

The boy grinned and pointed to himself. "I'm Sora," he said proudly. He pointed at the duck. "That's Donald." He shifted his hand to the dog-man-thing. "And that's Goofy."

The boy's companions held their heads and groaned in greeting.

Elsa lifted an eyebrow. "Well, Sora, Donald and Goofy," she started, "what exactly were the three of you doing terrorizing this mountain as a giant snow monster?"

Sora looked confused. "Snow monster?" He looked at his companions and they stared back at him just as confused. All at once Sora's eyes lit up. "Wait! That ice cream we ate…"

Donald and Goofy suddenly looked like a lightbulb had gone off in their heads. "Gawrsh," Goofy said, speaking for the first time. "You don't suppose the ice cream turned us into a monster?"

Sora nodded excitedly. "What else could it be? Ice cream is the last thing I remember."

Elsa's face fell. "You mean…the ice cream is cursed?"

Sora shrugged. "Sure looks that way."

Elsa's shoulders sagged. After everything she'd gone through… She couldn't eat the world's ultimate ice cream after all.

A hand appeared on her shoulder and she looked back into the sympathetic eyes of Jack. "Hey, don't be sad," he told her. "Why don't we try just making our own ice cream?" His face broke into a smile and nodded to himself as much as to her. "Yeah, we'll make the greatest ice cream the world has ever seen."

Elsa felt her mood lift at his words and she nodded back. "Okay. Let's try."

Beside them, Oyuki and Frosty looked at each other and smiled. "We'll help too," Oyuki said.

Across from the quartet, Sora beamed and pumped his fist. "That's the spirit! If you work together with your friends, I'm sure you'll make the best ice cream ever."

After that, everyone hiked back down the mountain and with the power of love and friendship they made some pretty stellar ice cream.

The end.

.

.

.

.

Or is it?

Somewhere high above Arendelle, a shadowed figure held a long staff and cackled ominously.

"All according to keikaku."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Translator's note: Keikaku means plan.
> 
> Pretty sure this is what Kingdom Hearts III is going to look like. Shout out to all the people who noticed that this was basically the plot of Momotaro. I'd apologize for writing this but I'm not sorry at all, let's be honest. Truthfully, this all came about because a friend of mine at work wanted to read something Jack/Elsa and I was in a crackfic kind of mood.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it (for what it's worth).


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